Beneath the cape

I hit rock bottom today. At least I think I did (finally) I can't think of any other way to describe being sat in your gingerbread man PJs with your cat for company, watching back to back Bridget Jones and crying for four hours (give or take). I love being able to put on a brave face and be seen as an inspiration, but this blog is to spread awareness and for that I have to be as truthful as possible. The sad truth is that I actually spend a fair amount of time being incredibly depressed. Who wouldn't be! Since my diagnosis I have slowly had my lovely life taken away from me. I've lost my health, my education, my job, my home, my independence then my wedding and my fiance and with that my best friend. My life is the complete opposite to this time last year. I couldn't have predicted that in a years time I'd be sat blogging about a brain tumour, MY brain tumour. As common as the phrase is... You just don't think it will happen to you. So I have had a down day, I even ended up calling a neighbor just for some company and to stop me crying. It's been hard learning that sometimes you have to ask for help.  I have so many different people looking out for me from all different perspectives, doctors, nurses, psychologists, family and friends. Yet sometimes it can still feel lonely. One of the worst things about my illness is that I can't find anyone else my age who has the same diagnosis, we are a rare species! I'm meeting my psychologist tomorrow and a couple of friends before heading to Devon on Saturday. Hopefully I will start to feel a bit better again, I guess you have to hit something to be able to bounce back.

A single sentence can cause a single smile to brighten up your day

So hello, in this post I'm sure I am speaking to a larger audience as I am now heavily envolved with the wonderful charity of Abbie's army. The charity is formed in memory of a lovely little girl who lost her battle to DIPG at the age of six. It is ran and managed by her mother Amanda who I have been speaking to a fair amount over the past couple of months, she is an amazing lady. Have a look at her charity page if you get chance. It is one of the only charities in the uk to fund research into the specific type of cancer. As many of you may know, age six is one of the more common ages for DIPG to affect. For me to encounter the horrible disease at 20 is incredibly unusual, but then again I have never been one for normalities! I am going to start writting on a more regular basis with the same intentions of raising awareness. However I am now also writting to provide a new viewpoint for DIPG parents. As I am that much older I am better able to express my feelings and emotions through a greater understanding. I hope this can provide a certain level of comfort to all of you proud parents now reading my blog. As for the rest of you, I hope my ramblings continue to inform and entertain. I've had one of those days today. I met a cancer psychologist for the first time and had a pretty big cry. You know you have it pretty bad when you spot a tear in your psychologists eye! As helpful as it was to just talk, I'm feeling a bit emotional now. It was also a bit awkward at times as she would just look at me until I gave in to the silence and continued to babble on about my feelings. I guess that's what it's all about isn't it? I left the hospital and a nice lady pointed out I still had the tag on my jumper... Nice one! At lunch another nice lady pointed out that I had the tag on my shirt... Go me! I don't quite know how I manage these things. I've had a lot of old friends come back into my life recently which I have absolutely loved. It always amazes me how some people you can just click with and have a conversation as if you talk all the time, bearing in mind some of these people I haven't really seen in years! It's been hard watching all my friends return to uni without me, but sometimes it only takes a few kind words to turn my day around again. I'm lucky to have such lovely people around me. the smallest things can make such a difference. To all the DIPG parents, I'll put my email at the end of this post, please contact me if you have any questions or just want to get in touch. Speak to you all soon!

email: howellfr@gmail.com

The ability to smile

my life has recently, once again, been turned upside down. And no that doesn't mean it's back to being the right way up (it's an expression!) it's now just even more confusing and depressing. I'm now officially fat and miserable... I say this of course because I do have a sense of humour, don't worry I've just accepted it! Those of you close to me will know why this is but for this blog it is irrelevant. The purpose of this blog, as it always has been, is to spread awareness of cancer and its effects as experienced by myself courtesy of my dear little friend Brian. I'm feeling already that this particular post is quite sarcastic, apologies! It seems to be my new coping method. A new little motto of mine is that as long as you have the ability to laugh.. Everything is absolutely fine. You need to look for the little things in life and learn to appreciate them more. I've recently also got a lot more adventurous, I'm becoming more and more aware of the fact that I need to live, and do the things I have always wanted to do, but do them NOW! I've just got back from a spontaneous trip to Spain with one of my best friends. We booked the holiday and four days later I was sat on a plane. It was. So nice to just get up and go. I also managed to re live one of my favourite childhood memories... A trip to zoo marine in Portugal. I have found recently that re living memories from my childhood brings me great pleasure, perhaps this is because it takes my mind off my future. This is something I have found hard to come to terms with recently. I have now officially dropped out of uni and am back living with my parents, everything has become very real. Especially now I have finished treatment. I have become overwhelmed by the thought that there is now nothing anyone can do. I just have to hope that Brian stays slim for as long as he can! I have plenty to look forward to in the next few months including a trip to Iceland (very excited) any tips would be greatly appreciated for my travels! In the mean time I'm focusing on the little things and trying to enjoy every moment as much as possible. It's so important just to be able to laugh, whether that's at a (slightly drunk) man falling off a chair through a marquee... Or just being sat with an amazing friend watching a (very strange) film. Sausage party is great for a laugh although as I said... Strange. But it doesn't matter, just laugh... As much as possible. Laughter is stronger than any medicine, it's what I need most and I'm so lucky to have amazing people in my life to keep me going. Keep helping me laugh, comment or message me with a memory we have shared together!