Dear 2016

Dear 2016,

First things first... I win! After your many attempts to kill me off this year I am still alive. I'm looking out for any hazardous objects dont worry! 11hours remain of which I shall be wearing a full body protection suit. Don't you dare hit me with a bus now! You made me cry last night, you've made me cry plenty this year, you e made me angry and you have made me question if this life is worth living. It's clear now that it most definitely is. You have been the absolute worst year of my life, you have broken me, but with that you have also taught me how to stand back up again when the whole world crashes down around you. I've learnt how to dance in the rain. I've discovered how much of an impact these words can have on the lives of others and that is the weapon I fight you back with. Everything you have thrown at me has revealed the people in this world that truly love me, you have brought them back out of the shadows and eradicated those who turned out to be the most poisonous of all. So thank you but can you please now just F*** off!

Yours sincerely,

Fran and Brian.

Happy Christmas from Me and Brian!

Well, Happy Christmas! Thank you to all of you who have read and supported this blog. Especially thank you to those who have come back into my life and made up the silver lining of this awful year! I've been stressing recently, worrying that this may be my last Christmas. I've realised today that it doesn't matter, all you can do is just enjoy what is happening right now and do it to the best of your ability. Look for the small things and make the most of what you have. Right now I'm sat around the fire with my family. (Pause as 2year old clambers all over me) I've spent the day entertaining my little sisters, I don't know who's the bigger kid! It was nice to be able to properly jump on the trampoline with them again, without fear of just fall in through it. Actually being able to stand up on it is a miracle to me now! I took the eldest (4) out for a walk and she took her bike. As predicted she got bored half way through, so I said give it here then, and she ended up chasing big sis on a bike that is quite literally just higher than my knee! Stuff it, have fun! I had a great time in Cardiff earlier this week, highly recommend a visit! I haven't been 'out out' or drank in excess since the week before my diagnosis, and I didn't hold back. I even brought out the rose tequila! Shout out to the duke of York and staff for that one! It's a must try I promise you. We went to perhaps the cheesiest, emptiest club ever but it was great, we made it our own! They even played come on eileen (favourite) it made me so happy to hear that! To prove my new found spontaneity, my parents and best friend kindly recieved a picture of a chicken nugget at 3am, big achievement for me! I was then described as looking like 'death in makeup' and a couple of you have been lucky enough to see the before and after shot! Definitely worth it. I insisted on finding the coast on the drive back home... We found an estuary and a cafe that did an all day breakfast. That was good enough for us! I cannot describe how amazing it is to be starting to look and feel like myself again. The hundreds of drunken selfies on my phone must be evidence of this. It really is nice to have your make up done and look good agin for once! My energy levels are going back up again, thanks to my acupuncturist! I thoroughly recomend accupuncture in general as it really can make a difference to such a variety of 'problems' and it really doesn't hurt... All the time. I will explain more about this once I've had another session or two so I can thoroughly explain the benefits in particular to you DIPG fighters. My last mention in this post is to wish my mom a happy birthday. For those of you who don't know, she passed away from an unrelated cancer 11years ago. I usually feel very emotional about this day but this year I actually feel,closer to her than ever. In the past, to think of memories of her has been painful, yet now it's a real comfort and inspiration. I'm always told how alike we were, I wasn't however hoping to take it this far! But it can be seen as just another way to connect us. I'll end this post here and wish you all a wonderful Christmas. Enjoy every single second. I have one Christmas wish... Share my blog and let's help spread a little bit of silver lining this Christmas, help me take away the taboo of cancer and show that good things can come from the bad. When life gives you lemons...

Wine and merry go rounds

I opened my Facebook today and saw my 'a year in review' video, it started playing and the first thing that popped up... "You got engaged" ha... Well, yes. I did but look how well that ended up turning out, it practically ruined my life. So what else happened? I had my first experience of going in an ambulance, A and E, stitches, a general anaesthetic, oh and I got diagnosed with cancer. I think it's fair to say that a review of my 2016 is generally quite depressing. But when life gives you lemons... I have managed to raise one hell of a lot of money for research into fields that before 2016, I was completely oblivious too, I have inspired hundreds of people and I have reconnected with fold friends that perhaps I may have otherwise never spoken to again.

So for the medical update... I'm eating again (steak today which was stupidly exciting to not just want to throw up). I'm feeling a lot better in myself and hurrah my clothes are starting to fit again. I've had the apointment through for my steroid blood tests in January before my MRI and oncologist review so January will be a busy month for me. January is also significant as if I'm healthy in January... I've done it, I've beaten the statistics.

I'm going to be all emotionally honest now and say that although for DIPG the statistics are so inaccurate, and it's silly to focus on them, the January date is very much at the forefront of my mind. My viewpoint of the whole diagnosis has changed dramatically over the past month or so. This is something that so far I have really only managed to discuss with a couple of people including my therapist. I no longer believe that I'm going to die soon. When I was first diagnosed with DIPG I was completely oblivious (subconsciously) to the fact that it was a terminal condition. My depression and realisation was very much triggered by things going wrong in my relationship, when that ended I have never felt more depressed in my whole life. This made me feel like I only had months to live, quite simply because at that point I wasn't interested in life. I thought if this has happened now, it will only get worse so what is the point? I was wreck less in throwing away possessions such as clothes that I'm realising now I may actually want again one day! I just simply didn't believe I would ever need flip flops again, or my size ten clothes. However, now... I'm talking about my 21st in June and I feel okay. Life is simply a game and I'm back to winning. I'm happy and I'm laughing again. Coming home and being hit by Christmas decorations still completely threw me as I'm still totally unable to picture that far into the future of next Christmas. Putting a lot of pressure on the fact that this may very well be my last. But it also may not. I can't explain any more about that emotion as I simply don't know how I feel at all. I spent my therapy session today talking about it and it's still very unclear. Especially as my therapist completely threw me today. She actually asked.. "How are you feeling" and wow I was shocked... A question! And it's direct. I love the little mind games!

So that was a tough paragraph to read I bet? But it's showing improvements in my mindset for sure, partially thanks to all of you reading this that have got in contact in one way or another. You really keep me going. If your feeling down, you can always do what I did today, drink some wine and go on a merry go round!

Iceland

Iceland was absolutely incredible. Most things planned didn't seem to go our way but as always we made the most of what we had. It was actually warmer in Iceland than in the UK, so not much ice or snow about. Just rain! The bad weather also meant that the northern lights tours were cancelled every night we were there! So we tried whale watching... Twice, and saw absolutely nothing. We kept on falling asleep beneath our five odd layers of clothing. It was a good laugh though. We looked pretty dam sexy in our overalls...The best Icelandic experience by far was our trip to the blue lagoon. It was dark when we got there and it was absolutely magical watching it get lighter. The water was so warm and it really was blue. Apparently it has healing qualities... We shall see. We went to see the geysers and waterfalls which was also amazing. So overall a mixed trip, some moments of disappointment but we both had an amazing time. It doesn't matter where you are in the world, or what you are doing, it's who you share the experience with that makes all the difference. For those of you who don't know mine and Richards relationship, we met in high school and quickly bonded over days spent rowing at school. There were always the jokes that we were 'together' as we spent most of our high school years completely inseparable. I really don't know what I'd do without him. I wouldn't be half the person I am today if it wasn't for him. I'm going to shut up about him now as he is probably reading this feeling far too smug! My point is simply to value your friendships and make memories at every opportunity you get. Any bad situation can be made better with the right people by your side. I'm told so often that I'm strong, but really it's the people holding me up that are strong ones, I'm just lucky enough to be surrounded by a fair few of them! I was originally quite worried about going on this holiday as I was stressing about pressure to make memories. I felt a lot better after someone told me to stop worrying because this holiday symbolises me taking over life, and not life taking over me. I'm doing whatever the hell I want and I should feel good about it. Wise words from yet another incredible person and I think everyone should live by that concept. Just go and do it, and do it for yourself! We intended on an early night last night but ended up getting four hours sleep before nearly missing our flight! This may potentially have been my fault but hey ho I can blame it on Brian. He's my card! We got there in the end anyway. When the lights are off, there is something about lying in darkness that makes you have the most random conversations! It's amazing the memories that can creep up when you start reminiscing. Laughing so much you can't breathe! This then developed in to deeper conversations that I can only manage with a couple of people. It feels incredible to be able to get those darker thoughts out and feel comfortable about it. I think it's important to begin to learn of ways to express these emotions because they are just so important to your whole way of thinking. I got home today (in the freezing cold) I had a lovely time giving out presents to my family. I got the girls some lovely snow globes. Erin's lasted five minutes... But luckily she was thrilled enough by the bubble wrap it came in. After that I cried for about half an hour. Mostly because I'm so shattered. I was suddenly hit by all the Christmas decorations that set off a load of emotions. I'm not sure how I feel about Christmas this year. I was gutted my holiday was over and I felt a bit a lone again. I need some ideas for my next trip, I'm thinking Scotland as I'm still determined to see the northern lights, any suggestions?

To sum up.. I had an amazing holiday.