Reminiscing

Many people have asked me what makes me decide when to write new blog posts, I thought I'd start this one by answering that question. I write when I feel interesting! I will write when I have something to say that I feel people may want to actually listen to. I have around 500 page views for every post now so I'd hate to bore you all! I've had another busy week and have found myself reminiscing a lot which has really helped lift my mood. I saw the girl on the train Monday (the film... I haven't been stalking anyone) great film! That was with an good friend from my college days, back when the biggest stresser in my life was my art projects, if only I could go back to that again! Tuesday I managed to revisit some of my primary school and secondary school memories with some old friends, they haven't changed a bit and I'm so grateful of that, we picked up as if we were ten years old again. My illness has really shown me who is really there for me, some people have walked out of my life and others have come running back into it. It's a real eye opener (not that I'm recommending illness!) I've met up with plenty of old friends recently, it's really helped me find my own identity again. The changes I have been through recently have made me feel completely unlike myself, it's nice to be reminded of the people and events that have caused me to be the person I am today. The good and the bad! So in my last post I mentioned feeling sick all the time, this got better yesterday, and the cure was beer, prosecco, cider and a dash of vodka... Cured! Of course this was all in the company of some of the best friends in the world. My old work colleagues met up with me in Richmond, I love them to bits although we are all completely different, perhaps that's why we get on so well. It was so nice to be in such good company and laugh till your face hurts. It was also nice to act all civilised for afternoon tea which turned into just afternoon prosecco with some nibbles that included pumpernickel (we had to look that up too!). Of course being back in London brought back many old memories. Going back to the place I made my home was tough to process but it also makes me feel incredibly proud although I did feel a bit like a tourist again. Shock horror I accidentally stood on the left side of the escalator!! (London friends will know what I'm on about here) just digging out my Oyster card made me feel like I had gone back in time, for a split sec one it felt like everything was back to normal and it was amazing. I get this feeling sometimes when I wake up, That split second of bliss ignorance, until I rub my eyes and notice the medication on the bedside table and that I'm lying alone. That's the hardest part of the day for me. I've started playing carefully selected music in the morning to help this. My current favourite... Come on Eileen. Give it a go! The last thing I want to tell you about is the look good feel better programme I went to on Wednesday. This is set up within the hospital for women with cancer. Makeup artists come and give a class on how to do your makeup properly and skin care routines that can help your skin during and after treatments. Many of you may know that your skin reacts really badly to both radiotherapy and chemotherapy so this was useful. All the free products was also a bonus! It was really empowering when the door closed and all the wigs and fake eyelashes came off. It is a really good programme, it's true that I feel like I have lost all my confidence with the weight gain etc, it was nice to look good and feel better!

Inspirations

I haven't posted as much as I would have liked to recently, my emotions have been so up and down I have been constantly undecided as to what mood I'm in. Sometimes i actually just sit and wonder wether to laugh or cry... It really is a 50:50. The main big announcement for those of you of you that didn't see my step mums post, is that IM STABLE. this means that the radiotherapy was effective by firstly shrinking Brian, and now we know that he isn't growing at the moment. I have also come off my steroids which means that hopefully I'll lose all the weight I've put on and start to feel myself again. Unfortunately as my body is adjusting again it's making me feel quite sick a lot of the time. I'm hoping this won't last much longer. I have managed to gain contact with a couple of lovely girls my age with DIPG recently, something I never thought I would be able to do. It's inspirational to see what these people have been through as I am able to relate to their circumstances a lot more. However it is also an inspiration to see all the patients who are a lot younger than me, tackling the illness with such strength and positivity. I remember during my radiotherapy, there would always be one little boy in around the same time as me. He must have been about 6. He had a couple of really big scars on his head so obviously had some major operations. He also had to be sedated every time he had treatment due to his age. Despite all this was one of the most energetic little boys I have ever met. He was completely unphased by everything going on around him. When walking out of the treatment room, his biggest concern would be wether the tea bar had any packets of crisps for him. It always cheered me up just being able to watch him in the waiting room. Another major inspiration to me is thinking about the strength both my mom and my grandad tackled cancer with. I remember a couple of jokes they used about their illness, my grandad referring to himself as looking like doctor evil with his hair loss, my mom singing toxic when recovering from a dose of chemotherapy. Sometimes illness can make you feel so alone, especially after you have has significant others just walk out of your life. It has been important to me recently to remember those people who have battled in the past and those who are battling alongside me. Watching programmes associated with stand up to cancer has also helped. I often think my situation is quite unique having already lost my mom, but there was a story on Tv last night showing exactly the same tragedy. First the mother dying of breast cancer, then the son of a brain tumour. Cancer effects so many of us in so many different ways it's important to be open and take away the sense of taboo. It's in all these different ways and different inspirations that I feel less alone. On more positive notes... I've had a great time recently, two weeks in Devon, meeting up with plenty of absolutely amazing friends, some I haven't seen in years! The best thing I have done recently however, is a VIP experience at west midlands safari park, organised by the willow charity. (To all Cancer patients/parents... Definitely look up this charity, you can apply as long as you are under 40 and on active treatments. You can request any UK based special day and they are truly amazing). So today I have hand fed rhinos and had lemurs sat on my head. An amazing experience! I'm doing my best to make the most of the time I have and what a better way to do it than feeding giraffes bananas. Screw all these hospital appointments... I'm just going to go and live at the safari park!