Back to normality!

I'm writing this blog to get me back into medical mode ready for tomorrow. I had my MRI last week and tomorrow I'll meet my oncologist for the results. I've kept this one rather quiet as for the last month... I've actually felt normal. For those of you who have never been to Australia, put it on your list. It is the most amazing place. I feel absolutely  amazing for having been. For a great deal of those five weeks, I wasn't Ill. I had no scans, no appointments at all! I had no doctors or nurses calling me. My weight has dropped again and the sun faded my stretch mark scars. I'd meet so many people who would see me as a normal person. Once I got talking to people properly, I wouldn't hide what I have, I wear it as a badge of honour, helping spread awareness. I have a rule that I don't bring up my condition unless I otherwise have to start lying about what I do back home etc. It helps stop things being awkward on both ends. I met so many people who became interested and ask questions, it was brilliant. I did however break this rule on one occasion. You may have seen that I did a skydive on my last day. The ultimate way of proving to myself that... Hey I'm okay, I can still do these things. I felt absolutely on top of the world. I did it for myself, no one else knew. I was flying back to Sydney the day after, still buzzing. A lovely woman started talking to me on the plane. I lied, incredibly naturally. I told her I was still living in London, studying. It was so easy for those few hours, to slip back into my old self. I felt normal for so long it made me feel as though Brian had never appeared. It took me a while to realise what I was actually doing and it was absolutely incredible.

Since being away I'm a lot more relaxed, I was so nervous about flying and travelling parts alone but I absolutely loved it. I've been so busy since I've been back, catching up with people and planning 21st birthdays for friends, something at one point, I believed I wouldn't be able to do. Hey I'm still going, stronger than ever and I'm now over a year post diagnosis, how crazy is that! I can't wait to tell my oncologist that I jumped out of a plane. Probably wasn't medically advisable... But mentally, I think it nearly cured me! I wasn't sure if they would let me jump, but in traditional Ozzie style, they simply said 'yeah you'll be fine' boom, sorted! 

I soon came to accept my own physical boundaries without getting stressed over them. I know I can't stay in the sun without applying factor 50every five minutes. Radiotherapy skin still frazzling. I got incredibly stressed at one point that I still can't walk fast for long distances without getting what appears to be trapped nerves in my spine. I had a couple of days feeling a bit down about it. I just felt like cancer was limiting me. As days passed I realised... I can do what I like, I can walk however I want. I said to myself that I wanted to strengthen my independence while I was away. I realised that I didn't have to please everyone else at my expense. Do something for yourself! I had an absolutely amazing time. 

I felt inspired to enjoy my experience to the full because of Danni. If you flick back to my earlier blogs, you will read my excitement upon being contacted by a young woman, exactly my age, a fellow Deepig. I remember the exact moment, and the feeling of loneliness dissolving. Upon landing in Australia, I realised that Danni had passed away. I sat in shock for a long time before simply shaking off the emotions until I had come to terms with what had happened. I found myself sat alone on a beach in Byron bay. I though of her a great deal. Not in sadness, but in a way that made me appreciate the sand between my toes. I felt inspired to enjoy every moment, I'm devastated by her loss, it had a real effect on me. It also boosted my strength. I'll be eternally grateful to Danni for reaching out to me, it felt like doing all these things such as jumping 15,000 feet out of a plane, was making her proud. I really hope that it did. 

#Dannistrong