Wine and merry go rounds

I opened my Facebook today and saw my 'a year in review' video, it started playing and the first thing that popped up... "You got engaged" ha... Well, yes. I did but look how well that ended up turning out, it practically ruined my life. So what else happened? I had my first experience of going in an ambulance, A and E, stitches, a general anaesthetic, oh and I got diagnosed with cancer. I think it's fair to say that a review of my 2016 is generally quite depressing. But when life gives you lemons... I have managed to raise one hell of a lot of money for research into fields that before 2016, I was completely oblivious too, I have inspired hundreds of people and I have reconnected with fold friends that perhaps I may have otherwise never spoken to again.

So for the medical update... I'm eating again (steak today which was stupidly exciting to not just want to throw up). I'm feeling a lot better in myself and hurrah my clothes are starting to fit again. I've had the apointment through for my steroid blood tests in January before my MRI and oncologist review so January will be a busy month for me. January is also significant as if I'm healthy in January... I've done it, I've beaten the statistics.

I'm going to be all emotionally honest now and say that although for DIPG the statistics are so inaccurate, and it's silly to focus on them, the January date is very much at the forefront of my mind. My viewpoint of the whole diagnosis has changed dramatically over the past month or so. This is something that so far I have really only managed to discuss with a couple of people including my therapist. I no longer believe that I'm going to die soon. When I was first diagnosed with DIPG I was completely oblivious (subconsciously) to the fact that it was a terminal condition. My depression and realisation was very much triggered by things going wrong in my relationship, when that ended I have never felt more depressed in my whole life. This made me feel like I only had months to live, quite simply because at that point I wasn't interested in life. I thought if this has happened now, it will only get worse so what is the point? I was wreck less in throwing away possessions such as clothes that I'm realising now I may actually want again one day! I just simply didn't believe I would ever need flip flops again, or my size ten clothes. However, now... I'm talking about my 21st in June and I feel okay. Life is simply a game and I'm back to winning. I'm happy and I'm laughing again. Coming home and being hit by Christmas decorations still completely threw me as I'm still totally unable to picture that far into the future of next Christmas. Putting a lot of pressure on the fact that this may very well be my last. But it also may not. I can't explain any more about that emotion as I simply don't know how I feel at all. I spent my therapy session today talking about it and it's still very unclear. Especially as my therapist completely threw me today. She actually asked.. "How are you feeling" and wow I was shocked... A question! And it's direct. I love the little mind games!

So that was a tough paragraph to read I bet? But it's showing improvements in my mindset for sure, partially thanks to all of you reading this that have got in contact in one way or another. You really keep me going. If your feeling down, you can always do what I did today, drink some wine and go on a merry go round!