The Plank

This is my second draft of this blog post, words have become a struggle, I no longer feel like a cancer patient, I'm feeling out of touch with the DIPG community, the faces are now mostly new to me. Most D-pigs that stared this journey with me, have now left us. It just puts into context how lucky I am to be sat here in October 2017 writing this, something I never thought possible. My life is incomparable to how it was this time last year. October 2016 saw me sat in what felt like a bottomless pit of depression. This blog was one of the few things that kept me going. To see the reaction to the few grains of positivity I managed to muster encouraged that positivity to bloom and become something I could actually lean on. The power of words have always amazed me, to think that my own words have had so much power to spread positivity and awareness on a global scale... astonishes me. When Life Gives You Lemons has now reached 17,000 page views. I am so proud of this blog, I will keep posting and at some point I will try and write that book i have been bugged about on so many occasions! I am inspired by the works of Adam Blain, author of pear shaped, and Sophie Sabbage, the Cancer Whisperer. As tragic as it is to type funny brain cancer book into google... its worth it. Maybe When life Gives You Lemons will appear in the search results one day.

I've managed to keep incredibly busy recently, I haven't even done much painting. I have managed to discover the life of a normal 21 year old. I have my friends, family, my own place, a job, a boyfriend and even more shockingly... a gym membership. Other than the odd interruption, I feel like I have the definition of a "normal life" which I still consider an absolute miracle, as contradictory as that phrase may be, its true. My biggest struggle with my mental journey is my belief in the great pattern that seems to rule my life, the concept that when anything good happens, something bad will follow. It has been suggested to me that perhaps my diagnosis is what is is, no one is sure why, but maybe these bad things that happen are occurring to balance out me still having this incredible life.  A bit like having to go to the gym to allow your dominos habbit! Another life struggle of mine...

Following this, I have my Oncology review on Tuesday and I have never been more nervous about hearing what Brian has been up to. Right now I have more to lose than ever. I feel fine but that feeling in the back of my mind is back. Maybe it is just the time scale that is scaring me. Its the scanxiety that will just never go.

I have learnt a lot recently. I feel so much happier, the support network I have around me is finally complete. I have something I thought was impossible. I've learnt not just to laugh, but to laugh loud, dance as if no one is watching and love as if there is no chance of pain. My life since my diagnosis has felt like walking along a long plank. Sometimes it  wobbles, sometimes I slip, there are holes in it and at some point it will end. It doesn't matter how fast you go, how cautious you walk, because the path will always remain the same. The difference now is that my head is held high, and my eyes are open. I'm less scared of falling, and am looking forward to whats around the next courner.