First Blog of the Year!

I'm well aware that these blogs are occurring at a higher frequency than usual. That's because so much is happening right now, the Christmas period has been incredibly tough for me, incredibly tough. Especially as my psychologist has two weeks off so all of my crazy deep dark emotions have just been bundling up with no where to go except into the ears of close friends and into this blog. I'm back to see my psychologist on Friday. We shall see if she has quite gotten over the Christmas card I gave her. I've only told a few of you about this but it's quite a proud moment of mine. Many of you know that I had one of my paintings made into Christmas cards this year, the one of the two penguins. I decided to give one to my psychologist as a thankyou for keeping me partially mentally stable! She was absolutely overwhelmed and got quite emotional before turning to me and saying "so what does this represent to you?" And oh wow I have never thought so quickly in my life. I immediately blurted out "leadership" (one penguin is following the other). To which the reply was "oh of course, the first penguin is slightly wobbly which I presume represents your illness" mini fist pump as I left the room, absolutely nailed making that up on the spot! But hey maybe it is subconsciously true and not just the fact that I found a pretty picture in a magazine to copy, who knows....

(This is going to be a long one so bear with me) one of the hardest things I've done this Christmas is going to the carol service, the church is right at the end of my lane. I feel like I need to show my face every now and then to make up for the chaos caused over the wedding that never happened, plus to stop half the village presuming I'm crawling around half dead already. I was fine until I saw the vicar. He clocked me whilst closing the service and paused mid sentence and stared right into me. He came up to me afterwards and asked how I was, I made my usual reply of "I'm alright" to which he said "are you sure?" I blinked through the tears as hard as I could. He quickly picked up how close I was to having a meltdown and so he laughed and just said "you were always far better than him anyway" which made me laugh as I'm sure vicars aren't meant to say that!

Christmas Day was absolutely made by having my two little sisters around, I scored some major big sister points this year, I survived the day without feeling down in the slightest, it was nice to be surrounded by such a sense of love. I slept in the play room that night to make space for family members staying over. I was awoken by my two year old sister. Her toy kitchen set was in the playroom, she brought me some plastic birthday cake for breakfast and got into bed with me. It's moments like that that make me so happy. New year came quickly and I made a brief post, I had a bit of a meltdown after writting that one. It's so easy to ignore everything going on around you sometimes that you only need a slight reminder of something to have all of your emotions run back at you like a stampede. Imaging that scene from lion king... That's what it feels like. It only takes one spook to cause a full blown disaster! The night was saved by two of my best friends. They fully understand my humour and know exactly what I need to cheer up. Many a death joke was made and as the countdown arrived in the club they screamed 'happy new year..... Your STILL ALIVE!' And for that I absolutely love them to bits. It suddenly hit me that I was still alive, it's 2017, I'm okay, in fact I'm good and I'm spending such valuable time with people I love so much. To top it off, stumbling to get the essential chicken nuggets and lemonade for a certain someone... I ran straight into someone else who I hold very dear in my heart. I love little coincidences like that. I had an amazing night.

Every year I always buy myself a really nice diary, I didn't this year I was petrified it would end up an unfinished book. Today I looked at a calendar I got bought for Christmas. Ironically it is a calendar of the northern lights! (It was brought before my trip and was handed over apologetically with a but of a giggle). I thought stuff it and it's now hanging on my wall. I'm only going to fill it out a month at a time and each day I'm writting something that made me smile. I'm also going to scribble quotes over it from friends and anything I've seen online etc. So far on there I have "keep swimming Dory" and "get emotional and you will end up in a bin bag at the end of the garden" if you've made it this far reading, comment some more quotes to help me fill up my calendar of happiness! Be creative! You should know my humour by now!

I'm busy planning what I want to do with my life at the moment, I've had crazy ideas about buying boats and everything so I'm narrowing down my choices. I'm just making sure that I fill my time with things that make me happy. Plenty of spontaneous road trips, go to that fancy restaurant, go on the merry go round, have anothe bottle. Just do it because why not! Statistically I have 12 days left to live so please drive carefully! The countdown has begun. Although it's silly statistics, it still means something to me. I also need ideas of how to celebrate! So far the evening is being filled with a cinema screening of the Sherlock season finale and the company of on of my favourite people in the whole world who I definitely bug too much with my soppiness! Plenty of medical dated this month too, steroid tests, orthotics, blood tests, MRIs and oncology reviews. I'll keep you all posted but I'm feeling good. My emotional are all over the place but it really does help receiving all of your spontaneous, often drunken message a of support. Now comment with some lines to fill up my calendar and suggestions of how to celebrate y beating the statistics! So much more I want to say but my iPad is having a breakdown! Sorry! X